i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
