You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
