And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
