He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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