You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
