see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
