Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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