What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
