The maid of honor just puked.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
