If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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