I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
