my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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