He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
