I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
