Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
