Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
