My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
