sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
