i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
