Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
