it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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