Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
