How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
