She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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