Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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