I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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