im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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