Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
