He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
try to milk me bitch
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