saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
