Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
