Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
