Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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