So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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