I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize