i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
