Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
