I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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