"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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