Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the day after is always just damage control
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
