The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
