His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
