Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
