All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Mom said you looked used
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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