I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
