i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
