so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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