things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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