i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
