WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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