My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
