Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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