I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
