Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
