im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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